Feel Safe to Stay 11.7.2023

"Is she here today?"
"Not today," I replied.
"And she's home too sick to take any calls,"
I lied.
Out on the playground, counted
Each 8th grade kid
Breathing in and out for my child
The one missing
Tears hid
Perspective shifted going through the day
Every child needs love to feel safe
To stay
I couldn't be with my own kid
But could damn well be there for others
So show up I did
With the broken heart of a mother 

Inventions from Pain

Age 14 so many plans and dreams
Thought they were stolen by memories
Couldn't see the setback was only the start
It was during the fight you found a spark

Pushing and pulling
Each step of the way
Things bent and broken your
Inventions from pain

16 and now look just how far you've come
Faced every battle when you wanted to run
Your light now a beacon for others to see
The pain had a purpose -fired creativity

Pushing and pulling 
Each step of the way
Things bent and broken your
Inventions from pain

You're stronger than many will ever know
You're braver than you may understand
I'm sorry for things that were not your fault
And proud you did not let your story end
____________________________________________
For Addie

You Said You Liked Mashed Potatoes Until I Spilled Them in the Trunk of Your Car

I will test, see who can stay 
I will push until I break 
And then I run 
Far away 

Little jagged 
Pretty piece of glass 
Diamonds meant to cut 
Make me bleed instead 

I might pass by on my way 
It’s just a trip, I’m a fake 
In a quick flash 
Gone away 

Little jagged
Pretty piece of glass 
Diamonds meant to cut 
Make me bleed instead 

Watch me fall away 
Watch me tumble and break 
Watch me I don’t know 
Have I overstayed 
Best be on my way 

________________________
Inspired by EO and AF. 

The Sunday That Never Came

It's getting late I Think I'll turn in That sounds good let's plan When we'll meet again
I got time on Sunday
They do too Okay we'll see you then I Wish that was true

The ticking clock stood still Five days no word until Hey Skid please hop in chat it’s Not good news Hold on I'll be right there Oh %$#*(!) this can't be true We made plans for Sunday you Should be there too Instead we'll gather around to Remember you September took you away Left with a space for Sunday The Sunday that never came ______________________________ In memory of PsychoDragon 9.17.22

Release

Tangled in thorns
I was terrified
I couldn't breathe
God, please release me
With stickers in my eyes
And vines wrapped around me
I cried
God, please release me

So brokenhearted
But I couldn't show it
Covered emotional bruises
And bleeding
I begged God, release me

Tears fell
Angry prayers felt wrong
But God knew my heart anyway

I dreamed of freedom
I dreamed of peace
I longed for love that seemed
So out of reach
I wanted release
I prayed for release

Raindrops mixed with tears
I looked out at the sky
Desperately pleading
God, please release me
Kept quiet, hung my head low
To cover up the guilt
From praying
God, please release me

The paper was signed
I had finally drawn a line
There was no turning back now

Freedom rang
I shook off the shame
Of the thorns that had drug me down
God released me

I found freedom
I found peace
I found love that seemed
So out of reach
I found release
I was released

____________________________________________
Inspired by V.  

Love in Ruins

Fire poured down
I remained in the ruins
Left to mourn
A future that would never be

Everything was gone
Broken and afraid
That's when I found you
You reached to me

With a love I could not believe
A love I was afraid to receive
All the love I had out of brokenness
I gave to you

You made me feel safe
I didn't know love could run so deep
As I gave my all
My love for you grew

And continues to
Each day
You walked me through ashes
I can't let go

I found love in the ruins
Two little hands and my own
You've held
With you by my side I know
We will do more than just rebuild

Wilted

Emotions rising on the brim of uncertainty

I’m slowly being tossed by the wind

Drifting far away

And I’m tattered and wilted

Will you lead me back to you

To the place that I once knew

Can you take this wilted heart

And make it new, bring me to you

Memories replay in my mind of my brokenness

I long to go back and rewind

Drifted so far away

Tattered and wilted

Broken before you I come in search

Of forgiveness

To pardon me of the sin I have birthed

Will I be cast away when I’m

Broken, wasted

Tattered and wilted

I’m broken, I feel wasted

I’m tattered, my God I’ve wilted

Easier to Hide

It's been a while since I wrote you
Haven't known what to say
I don't want distance to come between us
But I feel so far away
It's nothing that you've done
Who I am inside
Retreating in myself when fearful

There are things I struggle with
I don't know how to let you in
Open my mouth attempt to speak
Words fall flat I decide against
I'm trying to learn to trust
My heart pushes away
A never ending tension
I'm to blame

Sometimes it's easier to hide
I'm sorry
Sometimes it's easier to cry
I'm sorry

Someone New (Falling)

I don't know you
But I see your smile
I don't know you
But I'd like to talk for a little while
Do you want to talk too

Hey how are you
I'm new to this
I'm kind of nervous
All I'm looking for is a friend
Are you looking too

Letters are written
And words are exchanged
I try to keep up my cool
But you're driving me insane
I can't keep on pretending
You don't mean more to me
I'm falling

I'm feeling nervous
To see you face to face
From phone calls and emails
To standing on the ground in the same place
Do you feel it too

Echoes of Defeat

Echoes of all I've lost haunting

I try to shove them out

But emotions betray they lie to me

They lie to me again

I need you

Failure my old friend

Whispers words

Words of defeat into my ear

That I can't defend

I can't defend

I need you

Reassure me

Longing for what I'll never have

I try and I fall

Why keep this up is it worth it

In the end

I need you

Reassure me

I need you

Reassuring 

Echoes of all I've lost haunting

I try to shove them out

But emotions betray they lie to me

So hold me again

Just hold me again

The Fear That's Me

Afraid to let you in
I pull far away
I've been hurt before
I'm scared you won't stay

If I show you places
Where I have been nicked
Would you run away
Would you say I'm not worth it

Afraid of losing so
I fall behind
I will never win with that
Frame of mind

I've been broken and I'm
Afraid to let you see
The mess of my whole life
A pile of broken dreams

Aftermath

A six year chapter ended
A bitter taste left behind
Nothing sweet about it
Sweetness was erased

Memories they fade
As the months fall further away
Dreams don’t come so easily
Nightmares, in the past can remain
Life moves on slowly
Moves on without you

 Eight months closes quickly
A horrible moment in time
Beauty in life fell away
Beauty never real erased

I can close my eyes
And not be afraid
That reality is over
Life won’t ever be the same

I’ll move on
Move on without you

Hold Me

September 2010

When life is colliding
And chaos comes to a head
Lost in the confusion
Can’t understand
Why this is happening

I need you to hold me
Surround me with your peace
I need you to remind me
That you hold all things in your hands
When there’s so much I don’t understand

Fear soars through the soul
Doubt takes flight
I need something to cling to
God please come and make this right

Please hold me
Please speak to me
Please remind me
You hold all things in your hands
Please hold me in your hands
When there’s so much I don’t understand

Collapsed

It was so long ago we built our castles
And planned our dreams
Then we saw what we were made of
Lies and illusions
Reality overtook and we collapsed

Fallen so far away are the days
When we'd laugh at nothing and everything
Into the distance
Faded away

We thought we were invincible
Nothing could tear us down
We lived for the next laugh
The next cheap thrill
Well where did it get us
Under the weight of reality we collapsed

Will we ever stand again
God knows I'm tired of feeling dead on the floor
Maybe we can be rescued, revived and somehow restored
Into the distance we've faded away

I Do

She walks down the aisle
His eyes gleam
She catches his smile
Their eyes mist at this scene
Came here as two
Leaving as one
To say those words
I do

I do

She holds out her hand
He slips on a ring
In the candlelight it sparkles
Fireworks start the dream
He vows to love her
She’ll keep him close to her heart
They say those words, I do

I’ll love you
I’ll keep you
I’ll cherish you
I’ll have you
I’ll hold you
Darling I do

I’ll be with you
I’ll cry with you
I’ll walk with you
I do

_____________________________
Written for my sister Emily as we were preparing for her wedding day.

Not This Time

Look into my life and tell me all that you don’t like
Yeah, I see the grime, it’s a shame I didn’t stop in time
To keep myself from falling down and hurting my heart
You point out the ugly scars of who I used to be
Piercing your words through my mind

Inviting me to re-live all the pain
I won’t let you have your way

My wounds I’ve tried to heal
Beneath this bandage you cut back
You nick my skin in your attempts
To keep me from moving past
The pain inflicted by my sins
You want to rob me from all joy
And steal away my peace
But I won’t let you get to me
Not this time.

I’ll admit I was in the wrong, I have a thousand times before
Why can’t you just let this go? Let me be restored?
God has done so much to heal my soul and you…
You simply want to take what’s been forgiven
And create a pain brand-new

Asking me to wallow in my shame
I won’t let you have your way

I know the place from where I came
And I won’t believe your lies.
I must tell you that I am
Ignoring your words this time

****************************
There are times when we make mistakes in our lives and later on we realize how desperately we have fallen and something deep inside compels us to change our ways. However, there are those people who would wish to keep us in that place of darkness and we find ourselves being reminded of who we used to be. At this point we are given a choice, are we going to choose to walk in the bondage and sin of who we used to be or will we walk in the love and forgiveness of Christ? There are going to be those in our lives who will judge us for our shortcomings and who will try to leave us in a state of depression by reminding us of how short we have fallen, but we have to always remember that Christ has forgiven us and that there is no condemnation to those who are living in Him. In Christ, we can stand firm knowing that there is nothing that can separate us from his love. We have to make the choice to believe that over the lies of those who would try to drag us down and try to get us to dwell on our former ways of life as though forgiveness cannot be found.

Explanation

Whirlwind and Glass...a strange title to some
But only with great thought
Did the idea for these words come.
Each day is filled with battles
And we have no choice but to fight
This is the whirlwind of which I speak
The pressures that send us either soaring or drowning
In our various plights

The glass of course represents the will
Which so easily falls and breaks
Each day the whirlwind presses
And each day the glass shakes
And each day we must choose to fight
Or our glass the whirlwind will overtake...